Child Behaviour Management Skills

Introduction

Welcome to the workshop on Child Behaviour Management Skills. This workshop has been developed to assist parents, teachers, child care workers and anyone who works with children in dealing with the complex behaviours of children. We will discover what "normal" behaviours are and why some children misbehave. We will also be looking at behaviour management techniques that help to bring out the best in children.

Workshop Overview

Through your participation in this workshop you will:

• learn positive, proactive child management skills that you can use in your daily interactions not only with the children you work with, but also with other children you encounter.
• develop approaches that build the self-esteem of the child by using positive reinforcement as a way to handle difficult behaviour.
• know how to deal with the issues behind the behaviours that a child manifests.
• know how to seek positive solutions to the actions being displayed by the child.
• have improved your communication and leadership skills.
• learn basic conflict resolution and crisis management techniques.
• gain knowledge that will increase your satisfaction as a result of your positive impact in the life of a child.

Read each question below then place a check mark in the 1st answer box by the response you feel is correct. We will return to this quiz later and you will place a check mark by the answer that you know is correct.

What is normal behaviour for a child?

Normal behaviour in children depends on the child's age, personality and physical and emotional development. A child's behaviour may be a problem if it doesn't match the expectations of the family or if it is disruptive. Knowing what to expect from a child at each age will help you decide what normal behaviour is.

Jean Piaget (1896-1980) was a Swiss psychologist. His research and profile writing have profoundly influenced the field of education psychology and Western education practices. Piaget described four stages of intellectual development.

School-aged Children: 6-10 Years: Learning

• Children develop consciences and learn the value of rules at this stage.
• Praise for efforts in schoolwork is very important.
• Crying and whining over unimportant things is common at this stage. (remain calm)
• Children test parental limits through negative behavior. Testing helps them learn appropriate behavior. Parents need to be fair and consistent.
• Parents should use time frames that are "child appropriate" when correcting negative behavior. Fifteen minutes of "time out" in a chair may seem endless to a first grader and short to an adult.

Early Adolescence: 10-12 Years: Peer Acceptance

• Children challenge adult authority. Parents need to be actively involved in helping them to learn how to choose between right and wrong.
• Good parental examples are an excellent way of teaching children fair and humane values.
• Gaining a sense of their maleness/femaleness is an important part of development.
• Parents should support a child's desire to have time to engage in activities with children of their own sex.
• Membership in groups is important to the pre-teen. Scouts, athletic teams, and church groups are some ways of meeting that need.
• "Heroes" to look up to are important. This may include special people outside the family.
• Pre-teens are curious about sexual matters. Parents can provide accurate information. Pre-teens develop new feelings about their own bodies rather than developing sexual relationships with the opposite sex.
• Special athletic, artistic, academic, or musical talents may emerge. Parents should encourage areas of potential success as a means of building the child's self-esteem.

Middle Adolescence: 13-15 Years: A Time of Change

• Teens struggle with rapid growth, sexual maturation, and desire for independence from their parents. Parents need to keep in mind that their child's hormones have more control over their moods than they do.
• Teens have a strong sense of fairness and are judgmental of adults and peers who do not do what is "fair."
• Teens have a deep need for love and acceptance by parents and peers.
• Habit such as refusal to wash, poor manners, and untidy dress are normal ways for teens to try to become independent.
• Parents should set strict standards only when it is very important.
• A physical need for extended periods of rest is normal. Parents often mistake this for laziness, too little rest can result in moodiness.
• Teens find security in structure although few ever admit it to parents. Parents need to be firm and consistent. (i.e. Rules need to be enforced.)

Are behaviour problems common?

Behaviour is a complex interaction of a child's biologic vulnerabilities, innate strengths, a nurturing environment and parenting styles. A problem in any single area may lead to undesirable behaviours. A mismatch between these areas - for example a very strong-will child with a parent who is unable to set limits - can also emerge as behaviour problems. (We will look at this in more detail later in the workshop with the Parenting Styles Matrix). Behavioural problems are not limited to infants who were born prematurely, but they are more common in former preemies. Children with other learning problems are at greater risk for behavioural problems, and behavioural problems can interface with learning (for example: a child who has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - ADHD).

What behaviours might be a sign of future problems?

Behaviour problems usually start before school age. They often are exaggerations of normal responses or behaviours, or persistence of behaviours beyond the usual age where they are common. Some of these include:

• Too aggressive at play, other children won't play with him/her
• Temper tantrums - severe, long or age inappropriate
• Won't comply with requests
• Can't tolerate any change in routine
• Excessive fears
• Can't play quietly
• Can't stay seated for meals or short activities
• Always moving

How will I know if this school age child has behaviour problems?

Almost all children have periods of time when they misbehave or go through difficult stages. The child's parents, teacher or school will probably already know if the child's behaviour is out of the usual range. Common signs of behavioural problems include:

• Doing poorly in school
• Difficulty paying attention
• Not completing projects or tasks
• Not following directions
• Difficulty sitting still for even short periods of time; always moving
• Impulsive behaviour; acting before thinking about it
• Fighting, bullying or stealing

The above listed behaviours usually catch a teacher's attention quickly. Another behaviour pattern is one characterized by anxiety and withdrawal. Signs include the following:

• Extreme shyness
• Not wanting to play or be with others
• Extreme fears or worry about the unknown, such as new activities or places
• Being over-sensitive to touch or sound

Children do not intentionally set out to misbehave. In fact, children, usually misbehave for a reason. Obviously it does not do any good to ask the youngster why they acted up at "nana's" house or screamed in their car seat for no apparent reason. However by examining their reaction to the child, caregivers can often discover the real purpose for this unruly behaviour.

According to Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs (author of Children the Challenge), there are four reasons why children misbehave (if they are neither sick nor physically exhausted): for attention, power, revenge and to make their parents feel inadequate. Many adults might wonder why a child selects misbehaviour over good behaviour. That, according to Dr. Dreikurs, is the wrong question. A more useful one is "What does the child hope to gain from their behaviour. Why did the child do that?"

Caregivers should ask themselves how they feel when the child acts up to learn the reason behind the youngster's misbehaviour. For example, if the person feels annoyed when the child disobeys the youngster is probably seeking attention. Angry, then power is the child's ultimate goal. Feeling hurt by the child's behaviour? Then the youngster's objective is revenge. Frustrated to the point of wanting to give up? Then the child believes they are inadequate and misbehaves to confirm their feelings. Caregivers can respond with more effective discipline when they know why the child is misbehaving.

Seeking Attention

Every healthy child demands attention. An important goal of Caregivers is to supply the attention that kids need to develop a healthy self-esteem. Dr. Dreikurs believes that over 90% of misbehaviour is for attention. Denying attention in such situations usually stops the misbehaviour. If a caregiver constantly has to cope with attention-seeking behaviour however, ignoring may not always be enough of a response. Being ignored may be the reason for the problem in the first place.

For children who require undue attention, the temptation for most caregivers is to scold, nag or coax. When caregivers remember that their child's goal is to get attention (any attention), it's easy to see that scolding or nagging only encourages more misbehaviour. In a child's mind, the attention from an angry caregiver is better than no attention at all. If caregivers only notice the child's mistakes, the youngster will make mistakes for attention. Obviously, the best way to direct our children to "good" behaviour is to "catch" them being good.

For the child seeking attention, use the two "I's" of discipline. Ignore the behaviour when possible, giving the child positive attention during pleasant times, or Isolate the child by using "time out" when the child's behaviour is too extreme to be ignored.

Seeking Power

Children are constantly trying to find out how powerful they are. Some youngsters believe they only count when they are running the show. Rather than joining the struggle, caregivers should take charge by acting instead of reasoning. When a toddler balks at taking a bath, a long discussion about the importance of cleanliness gives the youngster unreasonable power over their parents.

During power struggles, caregivers need to take kind, but firm, action. Talking does little good and only feeds into the power struggle. Caregivers must decide what they will do, not what it will take to make the child do it. Another way of avoiding power struggles is by turning the encounter into an advantage by giving the youngster limited choices. This gives the child a feeling of control: "Do you want eggs, waffles or Cheerios for breakfast?" "Would you like to set the table or clear it after dinner?" This way, whichever choice the child makes, it is the "right" answer.

Seeking Revenge

Dealing with the mistaken goal of revenge takes patience. A child who hurts others feels that they have been hurt and they have to even the score. When a child is allowed to hurt others, they establish a painful cycle of relating to people through hurting and being hurt. To break this pattern, caregivers should never retaliate. Instead, try to build a friendship with the child while improving self-esteem. Placing the child in situations in which they cannot fail can easily do this. When children have a better opinion of themselves, they rarely misbehave to seek revenge.

Feeling Inadequate

The feeling of inadequacy is an escape for the discouraged child. In other words, since they feel bad, they act badly. It's a lot easier to give up rather than to try and fail again. Inadequate children brag, boast or fight and usually are unwilling to try new things. Constant "put-downs" make these children feel even more worthless. They act with self-fulfilling prophesies. They will not try to do well at school if they think they are stupid. If they believe they are unpopular and cruel, they will often mistreat their peers. When children feel inadequate, caregivers have a difficult task: they must restore their faith in the child and encourage them by praising whatever successes they achieve (no mater how small). Arrange for small accomplishments and find opportunities to compliment them on their behaviour. Remember children are not miniature adults with bad judgment; they make mistakes because they are always learning.

When we understand why children misbehave, we will be more inclined to choose a discipline tool that will reduce the misconduct. If the pot is boiling over, clamping on a lid is not the best solution. To solve the problem, reduce or eliminate the heat under the pot. In a similar way, if we can find and eliminate the source of a child's misbehaviour, the heat under the pot - we will have success in reducing any behaviour problems.

The Solution: Disengage from the misbehaviour

Disengage does not mean to ignore the emotional needs of the child. But now, you know exactly what is going on. You are disengaging from the child's mischief and misbehaviour, not from them as a person. You are choosing to behave appropriately in the reality of the situation.

After you have disengaged from the child's misbehaviour, you will feel relief from the tension, pressure and stress of the moment. You will feel in control, liberated, mature and secure with your own self. You will not take the child's behaviour "personally" as if it was a true reflection of your own worth as a human being. You will feel appropriately responsible and competent to handle the situation. The more you practice disengaging from the child's misbehaviour, the better you will become at it, the more the child will respect you - and the more you will respect yourself.

Authoritative Parenting

High demands and expectations are set for the child. The parent is also very responsive to the child's needs. Provides guidance when necessary and letting the child be independent when necessary

Permissive Parenting

The parent is very responsive to the child's needs, but does not have high expectations set for the child. This parenting style usually leads to the children having control over the parent.

Authoritarian Parenting

The parent places very high demands on the child to succeed, but is not responsive enough to know when to provide guidance. This can often lead to poor self-esteem in the child if they do not succeed, and to violent aggressive behaviour later in life.

Neglectful Parenting

The parent does not place high demands on the child and is also not responsive towards the child's needs. This often leads to the child having very poor self esteem as well as problems interacting in a social environment.

Behaviour Modification is based on several simple and sensible notions about what leads children to behave in socially appropriate ways. One reason is that children generally want to please their parents (caregivers) and feel good about themselves when their parent (caregiver) is proud of them. A second reason that children behave appropriately is to obtain positive consequences for doing so (i.e. privileges or rewards). Finally, children will behave appropriately to avoid negative consequences that follow inappropriate behaviour.

The goal of behaviour modification therefore, is to increase the frequency of desirable behaviour by increasing the child's interest in pleasing parents and by providing positive consequences when the child behaves. Inappropriate behaviour is reduced by consistently providing negative consequences when such behaviour occurs.

Behaviour Modification Practice

In your groups. read each of the scenarios below then decide how you will deal with each situation. We will share ideas with the group once you have finished.

What is an attend?

Attend is when the caregiver notices what the child does without questioning or criticizing.

Much play between adults and children tends to take the form of questions. The art of attending is to avoid asking questions but make comments on the simple activities the child is doing. It is following their lead rather than directing their play. It enables the caregiver to get into the world of the child rather than attempt to make the child conform to the expectations of the adult.

The idea sounds, and is, simple, however since we are probably used to talking in the form of questions, it can be difficult at first to think of new ways to say things. Here are some suggestions.

Examples of attending conversation

How to practice attending

1. Set aside a ten minute period preferably every day
2. Sit on the floor with the child with a number of toys
3. During this time simply describe his good behaviour. If he behaves badly, try to ignore this. Another way of attending is to imitate what he is doing

Don't

• Issue any instructions
• Ask any questions

Do

• Describe the child's appropriate behaviour
• Imitate

There are different types of rewards that you can give. They are not necessarily any better than each other and all can be used at the right time.

Social Rewards

Verbal: praising his desirable behaviour

Physical: contact e.g. pat on the back following his desirable behaviour

Activities: doing activities selected by him following his desirable behaviour.

Non-Social Rewards (always combine with praise); Toys or treats following his desirable behaviour or Star Chart.

It is important to use rewards at the right time to avoid confusion as to why he is being rewarded. You should avoid rewarding behaviour that you do no want; this can sometimes happen particularly when you give in to his demands.

Tips

Focus on the positive

• "Stop grabbing toys from your sister." = X
• "I saw you share the toys with your sister. That was great." = T

Focus on obedience not defiance

• "Why are you so disobedient?" = X
• "You put your shoes on so quickly when asked." = T

Focus on appropriate behaviour

• "I wish you would stop running through the aisles of the supermarket." = X
• "I am pleased you stayed by my side the whole time we were in the store." = T

Focus on co-operation not tantrums

• "Your crying every time when I ask you to get out of the bath is driving me crazy." = X
• "Thank you for getting out of the bath quietly when I asked you." = T

Desirable behaviours and ways to increase them

Coming when called

• Tell him you want to work on improving his behaviour when you call him
• Tell him exactly what you expect e.g. "When I call you, I expect you to stop what you are doing and come"
• Praise him as soon as he comes in response to your call
• Praise him every time

Staying with you in the store

• Hold her hand (if age appropriate) on your first trip. Attend her every 30 seconds
• On the next few trips let her walk beside you without holding hands and praise and attend her every 30 seconds
• On the next few trips lightly rest your hand on her shoulder. Praise and attend her every 30 seconds
• On later trips let her walk beside you with no physical contact. Praise and attend every 30 seconds
• Gradually lengthen the time between your praise and attending but never phase them out completely

Playing cooperatively with others

• Make your expectations clear e.g. I want you to play together without arguing or fighting
• Monitor closely the play between the two children
• Praise appropriate play

Ignoring can be a useful way of indicating that you do not want him to do certain things. It can avoid getting into an argument about why he is doing it and clearly shows that you are not pleased. Ignoring involves:

• No physical contact
• No verbal contact
• No eye contact

What can be ignored

• Demanding you do something you don't want to do
• Crying for attention
• Tantrums
• Screaming
• Pouting
• Showing off
• Arguing
• Acting irritable

Basic Principles

1. select a behaviour that can be ignored
2. remove all of your attention from the behaviour when it occurs
3. once started don't stop until good behaviour starts. Stop ignoring immediately when the good behaviour starts
4. expect the behaviour to occur more often before it reduces
5. reward and attend appropriate behaviour

Guidelines for ignoring poor behaviour

Don't

• Issue any instructions
• Ask any questions

Do

• Attend to appropriate behaviour
• Imitate his play
• Verbally reward his appropriate behaviour by praising him and labeling the desired behaviour (e.g. "Thank you for picking up your toys!")
• Ignore inappropriate behaviour
• Evaluate what you have done
• Reward yourself

Ineffective Directions

Chain direction - involves more than one step - the child may not remember what they all are.

Vague direction - unclear e.g. "be good" - may be different for different situations.

Question direction - This allows the option of saying "No"

Direction followed by a reason - this may distract the child from complying; if you want to give a reason keep it short and give it before the instruction

Which of the following are effective and which are ineffective directions?

Principles of giving directions

• Get his attention and make eye contact
• Use a firm but not loud or gruff voice
• Give a direction that is specific and simple
• Use physical gestures when appropriate such as pointing to the toys
• Use "do" directions rather than "don't" directions
• Reward compliance
• Think before you give a direction and make sure you are prepared to gain compliance regardless of the amount of time, energy or effort required.

Choose a Location

Best options:

• Hallway
• Parent's bedroom
• Corner of room

Least desirable:

• Child's bedroom

Not Options:

• Bathroom
• Cupboard
• Dark room
• Anywhere frightening

Procedure

"Do unto children as You'd Have Them Do Unto You"

Children learn most of their social behaviours by imitation. As a mentor, consider the power of setting a good example, or model for children to follow.

There's good news and bad news about kids. They imitate almost everything they see adults do. That's probably one reason parents find themselves getting angry with kids - they see themselves mirrored in their children's behaviour and don't always like what they see.

So, the best way to approach this is to think of the child as a walking video camera who will play back exactly what you say and do - often at the most embarrassing moments. If you use bossy, demanding or sarcastic language when talking to the child, expect the child to be bossy, demanding and sarcastic - with you and with other children and adults.

If you speak respectfully and kindly to children, they'll learn that this is how you expect people to communicate. Think about how you act toward the child and toward other people in their presence.

Naturally, as children get older, they may experiment with language and behaviours they see others do. They may pick things up from their friends or from television. If this happens, the child can usually be brought back on track if you give him a chance to see that it's a poor way to get along with people. Talk about values. Point out that you expect considerate behaviour because you behave considerately yourself.

Another way to make sure that you're a good role model for the child is to treat them as you would treat any welcome adult guest in your own home. For example:

• Ask the child their opinion about things - and listen respectfully to their ideas
• Allow them to make reasonable choices between equally acceptable options, and honour their choices
• Ask for - rather than demand - their help, and thank them when they give it
• If you make a mistake or forget and speak sharply, apologize to them as you would any adult whom you might have offended
• If there's a conflict, try to work out a compromise that is reasonable, fair and that both of you can live with
• Never criticize things that children cannot change, such as size, current level of abilities, appearance, talents (or lack of) or temperament (e.g. shyness).
• Be tactful and respectful as well as firm when you must object to behaviours or attitudes that children need help to modify, much as you would approach such a sensitive topic with an adult friend.

Obviously there are times when you must and should step in firmly. However, you want the child to learn that good adults use their power and authority wisely and only when necessary. Children can't feel good about their parents or themselves if all they see is an adult who insists on "winning" in every situation simply because the parent is bigger and has more authority than the child.

A child who is treated as someone with no rights, no respect and no dignity is also very likely to have trouble dealing with other authority figures such as teachers, employers and policemen.

You can help the child to grow up with a lot of self-confidence and a more balanced attitude about authority simply by treating him as you would like to be treated - with courtesy and respect.

In dealing with the parents and siblings of the children you work with you may sometimes feel that it is difficult to communicate effectively with them. At times you may feel that your hard work is in vain if the family environment is not conducive to the type of atmosphere you are trying to create for the child. It is therefore important to use a technique called supportive communication when working with the family of the children in your care.

What is Supportive Communication? - It is communication that seeks to preserve a positive relationship between the communicators, while still addressing the problem at hand. You will find that by using these techniques you will begin to develop a positive relationship with the parents and they, in turn, will develop respect for what you are doing as a professional with their child. There are seven attributes to supportive communication:

1. Problem-Oriented not Person Oriented
   "How can we solve this problem?"
   Not
   "Because of you there is a problem"
    
2. Congruent not Incongruent
   "Your behavior really upsets me"
   Not
   "Do I seem upset? No everything's fine"
    
3. Descriptive Not Evaluative
   "Here is what happened, here is my reaction, here is what I suggest that would be more acceptable to me"
   Not
   "You're wrong for doing what you did"
    
4. Validating not Invalidating
   "I have some ideas, but do you have any suggestions?"
   Not
   "You wouldn't understand me so we'll do it my way!"
    
5. Specific not Global
   "You interrupted me three times last Saturday"
   Not
   "You're always trying to get attention"
    
6. Conjunctive not Disjunctive
   "Relating to what you just said I would like to discuss this"
   Not
   "I want to discuss this (regardless of what you just said)"
    
7. Supportive Listening not one-way listening
   "What do you think we can do to improve the situation?"
   Not
   "As I said before, you make too many mistakes and are a bad parent"
    

While on an outing you hear one of the children Mei Ling (age 9) make a racist comment about someone who walks by. You address this behaviour with her and she tells you that her mother always says this. How would you address this with Mei Ling's Mother?

While supervising the end of program parent pick-up you hear the mother of Katie (age 8) give her a chain direction. Kate does not respond because she is confused and her mother begins yelling at her. How would you address this with Kate's mother?

As a reward for his positive behaviour Nino (age 7) is given a small toy. When his father comes to pick him up he is angry because he says you are "spoiling" Nino. How would you address this with Nino's father?